Confessions on how I’ve been feeling.
This is a hard admission for me to make but I feel that it should be done. As many of my friends will know I take things to heart very easily, and because of this I become prone to allowing my emotions to run wild. This is very hard for a skeptic to come to terms with since my worldview is based upon reason and evidence, so emotional responses can be antithetical to such an outlook. I develop emotional attachments that can be much stronger than in other individuals to draw strength from, and when I percieve those links as weakening it takes me to a rather dark place.
I’ve developed circles of friends (both on and offline) that are very important to me, there are times however where the bonds in these circles weaken or break and I find myself feeling lost. I’ve been seeing some of that recently and it has been pushing me into examining my own emotional reactions. I have been feeling anger lately as I’ve drifted away from some friends and have heard things said that pushed some buttons that I really don’t like about myself. I don’t normally like confrontation as I will find myself in a position where I will say things I regret later, so I will often bite my tounge and pretend that everything is fine without addressing my problems. I know this isn’t healthy but I’m so afraid of losing my connections I will back out, and hope things get fixed (or ignored) on their own.
There are times though when I have felt like I’ve been cut off, and this is where the confession comes in. I suffer from clinical depression, I’ve been on and off anti-depressants for several years. Please understand that I’m putting this out there not so that my friends need to walk on eggshells around me, but rather so that I’m fully open and honest with those I care about. In the last seven-eight months since I’ve dealt with my resignation from the mormon church, saved for TAM, and pushed through a new job opportunity I have been dipping for extended stays in a very dark place. I have written at least three different suicide notes, and I’ve plotted out the best (and quickest) ways to finalize the act. I’ve taken into account who might find me, and the effect it might have on them (this is usually what pulls me back from the brink). I have fought back these feelings in solitude rather than allow them to affect my interpersonal relationships, I see now that may be my failure.
Please don’t freak out on me, I don’t plan on going through with any of that now, what I hope this post will do is illustrate how important to me my friends are. Recent events have me worried about the status of my circle and as such I’ve been feeling the ripples that have been moving through it affecting me negatively. I would hope that those involved can move past the issues, just as I’m trying to come to terms with my own feelings. Suffering alone without addressing what our problems are can lead to some bad places where no amount of reason and evidence can ever recover.