Confessions on how I’ve been feeling.

This is a hard admission for me to make but I feel that it should be done.  As many of my friends will know I take things to heart very easily, and because of this I become prone to allowing my emotions to run wild.  This is very hard for a skeptic to come to terms with since my worldview is based upon reason and evidence, so emotional responses can be antithetical to such an outlook.  I develop emotional attachments that can be much stronger than in other individuals to draw strength from, and when I percieve those links as weakening it takes me to a rather dark place.

I’ve developed circles of friends (both on and offline) that are very important to me, there are times however where the bonds in these circles weaken or break and I find myself feeling lost.  I’ve been seeing some of that recently and it has been pushing me into examining my own emotional reactions.  I have been feeling anger lately as I’ve drifted away from some friends and have heard things said that pushed some buttons that I really don’t like about myself.  I don’t normally like confrontation as I will find myself in a position where I will say things I regret later, so I will often bite my tounge and pretend that everything is fine without addressing my problems.  I know this isn’t healthy but I’m so afraid of losing my connections I will back out, and hope things get fixed (or ignored) on their own.

There are times though when I have felt like I’ve been cut off, and this is where the confession comes in.  I suffer from clinical depression, I’ve been on and off anti-depressants for several years.  Please understand that I’m putting this out there not so that my friends need to walk on eggshells around me, but rather so that I’m fully open and honest with those I care about.  In the last seven-eight months since I’ve dealt with my resignation from the mormon church, saved for TAM, and pushed through a new job opportunity I have been dipping for extended stays in a very dark place.  I have written at least three different suicide notes, and I’ve plotted out the best (and quickest) ways to finalize the act.  I’ve taken into account who might find me, and the effect it might have on them (this is usually what pulls me back from the brink).  I have fought back these feelings in solitude rather than allow them to affect my interpersonal relationships, I see now that may be my failure.

Please don’t freak out on me, I don’t plan on going through with any of that now, what I hope this post will do is illustrate how important to me my friends are.  Recent events have me worried about the status of my circle and as such I’ve been feeling the ripples that have been moving through it affecting me negatively.  I would hope that those involved can move past the issues, just as I’m trying to come to terms with my own feelings.  Suffering alone without addressing what our problems are can lead to some bad places where no amount of reason and evidence can ever recover.

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6 Responses to “Confessions on how I’ve been feeling.”

  1. Hellberta Says:

    For what it’s worth:
    I used to be really depressed in Edmonton. Then I started traveling around B.C. and the Yukon, where the mix of geographical beauty, differing cultural attitudes, and my resolve to keep exploring until I’d figured out what the hell I was looking for completely shook me out of my shitty state of mind. Radically changing your environment often radically changes how you feel. Going anywhere you’ve never been is a very simple and direct way to shake your perceptions up and stimulate new patterns of thought.
    Of course, what I needed was specific to my particular issues at the time, so I have no reason to think this is relevant to you. But hey. I just hope you don’t kill yourself, because just about any pain suffered by someone your age can be outlived. You’re a bright guy with lots to offer the world, and though it can be a bitch to find, the world has much to offer in return. Stay with us my friend!

  2. The Science Pundit Says:

    Hellberta might be on to something: the problem is you’re up in Canada! You need to get out of there! Go someplace warm. Go someplace where they don’t speak with funny accents. 😛

  3. I also agree. Especially in Winter, Edmonton has a very high depression rate. It is hard to stay focussed on our health, both mental and physical, when its dark out 80% of the time and we can’t really leave our homes. Fresh air can do wonders. Also, traveling can remind one of how much there is we haven’t seen yet, what goals we forgot we wanted to accomplish. Who we love and what we’ve yet to discover about ourselves.
    I know we haven’t been in touch for years, but when I did know you, you came across as a gentle soul, a kind person who kept others needs in mind. This is wonderful, but Nathan is the only person who can fulfill Nathan’s destiny. And I’m pretty sure its not supposed to end in your early 30s. As is shown in this entry, you are concerned with others, to the point where that has stopped you from ending things. I hope that one day, you care enough about yourself that you stop because you love yourself and know that you have something to offer that no one else can.

  4. The Little One Says:

    HUGS

  5. Depressed Much Too Says:

    Hey, I recovered from a 20 year depression via much work, therapy, and some working with antidepressants to find one that did more good than not. I may seem cold sometimes now, and matter of fact, but it helps me to keep life in perspective and my emotions from making me too down. I’ve just met you recently, at TAM and in Edmonton a couple of times now, but didn’t realize you were struggling with this. If I’d known, I’d have been more supportive. I just hope you can find someone to lean on instead of writing those suicide notes. Those dark dips can take you down too long, and I hope you can find ways to stay out of them. I’ve learned many strategies from going into a dark place myself. All I can offer from afar are virtual hugs and appreciation of what a nice funny and huggable person you are. You have to let go of some things, friendships do change and end over time, but there are always others there, especially for someone as awesome as you are.

  6. Nathan – I hear you. Feeling disconnected from those you care about with no resolution in sight can take you to some pretty dark places. People who do not understand the dynamics of depression are often fearful of it and those who suffer from it, sometimes to the point of further alienation. Please do not let their issues push you further into the depths of despair. Please find people who do not dismiss your real emotional pain, but rather are able to listen and really hear you. You are a kind soul and it is understandable that any distance between you and those you care about would create such emotional pain. Please take care my friend and reach out to those who understand. BTW it takes courage to not only face this but to share it as well. You are braver and stronger than you realize.

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